And while many of the attributes of that you do coincide with the you you aspire to be, it isnt necessarily a great overlap. Theres a bigamist in my family tree he walked out on one family, changed his name and got married again. I felt like I had to fix it and if I just explained my feelings enough (cus he was a Nice Guy and would never do anything to hurt me and never cheated on me) he would stop unintentionally making me miserable and there was no Proper Reason to do it. Or maybe, like so many men, he just expects the woman to do most of the housework. theres a bigamist in my family tree too- except he faked his own death. Anyway, enough about me. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? 2. If the title is in your name the vehicle belongs to you and if he refuses to return it and has it you may want to call the police and report it stolen. Honestly its tough. But it still got on my last nerve, and undermined my motivation to develop healthy habits. My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. Poetry of Nope is my new favourite phrase! That you are so incredibly lucky and your boyfriend is a saint for dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. Jedi hugs, if you want them. (Side note, I knew Id keep my current partner when, about 3 hours after telling him about how I wanted to be healthier and asking him to help me, he walked in on me stress-eating a peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwich after a particularly stressful phone call, and his only comment was You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave. Thats love, folks.). I could write something very similar, except were only at 20 years. LW, heres the thing about our Jerkbrains: theyre jerks. 3. ", But It is indeed hard. When your partner stops maintaining your relationship, that spark can easily die out as dissatisfaction and resentment builds up." Here are seven gestures that your partner may stop doing if your. You will lose your boyfriend if you clutch him too tightly. Even if he genuinely wants you to be well and capable and happy, instead of just better conformed to the you he wants, hes being hlepy. But in my mind, that state of challenge turns into a nightmare if thats ALL youre doing. I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. Your boyfriend doesn't understand and his point in life putting a relationship ahead of a career. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. The ones who wont should be encouraged to date one another whenever possible. If your guy used to care and suddenly cant be bothered, thats a red flag. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. Piggybacking on this, just in case LWs partner is well-meaning-but-clumsy-at-expressing-his-desire-to-help and not maliciously-undermining-LW: I wonder if it would be possible, and if he were open to it, to do a few joint sessions with LWs therapist so the therapist can be a neutral party for them to air their viewpoints to and help them strategize better ways of interacting over these issues. Boyfriend stopped calling me cute pet names. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. So, his motives dont come *just* from the knowledge that she wants to get better. Hes drained; dealing with this depression has sucked his soul out, but he cant tell you that because as I found out pretty clearly in my depressive episodes, someone telling you theyre out of energy to deal with your chronic conditions just feels like your Jerkbrain saying nobody likes youso nobody will admit theyre weary. Telling me how logical he is. LW, Im not sure if what worked for me would work for you it requires a baseline of respect that your boyfriend seems to lack. I didnt do it for you. He felt justified in hurting my feelings as long as it was based in reason.. Surely being comfortable would be one of the definitions of success??? Walking is brilliant (assuming you have the spoons and physical ability to do it) its gentler on your joints than a lot of other cardio, you dont need special clothing, and its free. Depression is a mix of the chemical/biological and the situational, while youre working to treat the illness and silence the mean scripts from your Jerkbrain, you might find great improvements in your lifeif you freed yourself from a constant external source of criticism. Did you exercise today?Yep, it was great!What did you do?Why are you asking me? Some people need their partner to be less than them so they feel secure. If this seems like the case for your boyfriend then give him some space by taking a step back yourself. You're not sure what it is that might be going on, then give him space and don't contact him for a little while. Then willingly, because I knew tea came in a lot of flavors. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. My thoughts are with you, LW! didnt care to be badgered about things and it needed to stop. Congratulations on all the work you have done and everything you have accomplished. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? Probably better to stop and say why am I angry about this?. Him: Im disappointed that you arent trying to improve your diet the way I said. You: NOT YOUR CALL.. Can you talk with your therapist about what options are there for you and work with them to make a plan? Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. Your boyfriend has not yet learned this truth, because he is hiding it. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. Belittling my feelings. When I left my abusive family? It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore. Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. Just a thought here any time Ive been in a relationship with someone who used terminology like you shouldnt let yourself be comfortable or relationships take work! or related, those ended up being, in hindsight, big red flaggy flags. You might ask the following questions: Why did . Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Do you think you might try that?-level of caretaking from and for a partner, and it sucks to be in either role when you dont know if or when things will get better. How does this affect you? is a lot nicer than what Id end up saying. Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. 3 Turn-Ons & Major Turn-Offs, 3 Reasons Why Men Pull Away (And 1 Way To Win Him Back). He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. Make sure that the issues you address in your list are really what is bothering you. But I have vivid memories of having take-out chinese one night, then reheated leftovers the next, with soup from the freezer a third night, back in the day. Do you still respect each others autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but cant be forced? And he gets a positive comment from me every time I am aware. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. Worst case scenario, it can lead to more blatant abuse (sounds like he already has manifested abusive tendencies with the name calling and the silent treatment). Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. Your boyfriend may have felt secure with you because, in his head, you had low self exsteem and would not look for someone better than him. Before my last relationship ended I spent *a lot* of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff. It seems to be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour. I dont need bullying at that point -my brain does that for me- I need sustenance and caring. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. If theres child support or alimony involved, the presence of those forms should be able to take care of the financial requirements.). The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. LW, you dont need someone who will put up with you, you need and DESERVE someone who youre willing to put up with. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. One of the signs your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that your relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided. Actual logic is about statements, facts, reasons, not about How Logical I Am. You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave., Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. What kind of phrases should I NOT say? Some of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza with anchovies. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you?'. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. Again, voice of experience, you do not want the realization of how stressful he really is to be when youve been thrown back to the bottom of the well. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. If you like to cook, it might be really awesome if you two discuss the idea of having friends over for dinner a bit more often. I love it, he doesnt. He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. All good things. When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. In some cases, thats true. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. Agreed. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. 5. I dont know though. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! In some cases, he may have forgotten how strong your connection was. Unfortunately, these storytellers dont get it. If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. They threaten to break up with you all the time. for forward and backward evolution. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) I had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with my husband for 5+ years. May 18, 2020 by Emily Cappiello. ), the only logical course of action is taking that into account when youre dealing with people. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. If this IS the case, he does mean well, but hes going about things all wrong. 3. Dynamitochondria, I really have nothing useful to add to that link, except I have been there, and it sucks. Because this literally never means My partner likes to get all the information about a problem before trying to solve it, or S/he really likes to do her/his research about an issue. I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. Comfort from a relationship is something you are allowed to want. Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. So, my friends often come over here. And celebrate a little. Once the facts are straight we can deal with the issue. It really doesnt feel like he likes you. Listen to his response and try to . I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch.. So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. But let me tell you a little of my story. I focus on how each time he does so, its a good thing he is doing, and I am proud of him for it. "I . In detail. And really, your joy is important. Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. Im so much happier now and I experience so much less strain in my inner life with striving to justify every little feeling and decision. Am I the only one who says nope the fuck out of there yesterday? I love you anyway is, in practice, almost nothing like I love you. Your Mileage May Vary. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. Its ok to say hey, just keeping my head above water is all Im capable of at the moment, no challenges for me right now.. A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. Ways this manifests: BOY does he like to research before making a decision. He didnt like the way I went to the gym when we went together. He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. He tends to expect peoples feelings to be comprehensible and based on clear, material realities. Go on a hike and pack a picnic. [6] Say something like, "I've noticed you've been a little distant lately. At the same time, dont make it too easy for him to get away with not making an effort because he may take that as a sign that youre afraid of losing him or that your feelings about his behavior arent really all that strong which could lead you two nowhere at all. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. Some of the links on this website are affiliate links. Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. Either way, his Train of Logic will crash into the buffers. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. This is part of why we dont have a good relationship). I used to joke about a self-help book called Im OK, Youll Be Okay When I Get Done With You: Ive never seen a copy, but clearly it exists and lots of people have read it. And also we tend to be very keen for love and approval and so when we seem to get it in the form of someone else picking us to be their lover its a really heady thing. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. As the Captain said, he likes potential you. If he is unhappy in the relationship, this makes him less inclined to make an effort. Is he happy? Those things are part of who we are, and we accept that in each other. And sometimes the answer is I cant. You already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. Both of the above. You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. All of the Captains response has me leaping up saying Yes! because I so agree. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. During that time, I had a b/f who sounds a lot like your b/f he knew that if only I would do X, Y, Z and Q things that he specifically told me to do in the way and with the frequency that he specifically dictated, Id feel so much better! Yeah. It probably would be. Im starting to have a shoulders-to-the-ears reaction any time a LW mentions how logical or reasonable their partner is. LW, I dont think your bf loves you for you. Couldnt. This guy has given up, clearly, if you only see him in sweats or other loose-fitting, casual clothing. Very well said. . If you have the energy and inclination to push yourself, get on with your bad self, but thats extra credit. Having a jerkbrain say them is hard enough. Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. But that makes deliberately exercising seem like Im bowing down to that warped idea of my self-worth. Openly and blatantly. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! It seems unwise even if someone asked me to do it, let alone unsolicited. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? There are a few reasons Ive heared suggested that sort of personality can seem really familiar and thus a comfortable and easy thing to be around (because its what youre used to). Id say all this really depends on the details. I hope you get out much faster than I was able to. They are not partner micro-managing tools. For me, life is better without him. You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. I was somewhat interested, so it was great to have him show me proper form and give me pointerscon how to put together my workout plan. Wow, boyfriend is definitely being the jerk here. Cant think of a more clear way to phrase it. Hide the chips? Or will. I also just wanted to reiterate, in case youre having difficulty with the argument but what if what hes doing helps me? Its something weve learned. LW, Im sorry youre struggling with depression, and Id like to offer you a fist-bump of commiseration for the emotional work youre already doing, if youd like that. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. OP: it may be illuminating to think very hard about the actual division of labor in your household. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. I think its easy for us to say DTMFA because we know none of the other persons good qualities. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a month or he did so a couple of days ago. This is not a democracy. Bravo! Maybe not just the you he wants to make you into, but also the him who is Cool and Helpful and Makes Things Better so he doesnt want to accept that what hes doing is hurting you, because thatd mean hes not Cool or Helpful or Making Things Better and hasnt been for a while. Many, possibly even most, of us find that a bit of exercise can be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low. Any way you do it, its all good. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) And should usually comes from a not so great place. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. Sometimes you just have to watch somebody else hurting and not be able to do anything about it. Anonymous. Now is *not* the time for someone to run a ledger of all your supposed daily transgressions and fuck the idea of the ledger in the first place. He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. I actually coined the term for him. Maybe just focus on the making yourself happy part for now, and your partner can either help or GTFO. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable. he said, thats great! LW: I feel you so much in this. He explains that his current girlfriend has a dog that she kept after she and her ex broke up. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. Good luck on your journey, LW! But I didnt realize just how miserable his misery was making me until it got to the point where I was rolling my eyes at him and dismissing comments (not always out loud, but sometimes) as being stupid or idiotic. It wasnt until a few months of this that I realized just how acutely disrespectful my words and actions were, and it took another few weeks before I finally put together that continuing to live with someone for whom Id lost all respect wasnt doing either one of us any favors. Being badgered about food choices and exercise choices isnt going to help the LW build good habits. He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. You deserve to be with someone who shows you respect who likes you the way you are, who isnt always trying to fix you and who listens when you ask him to stop certain behaviours rather than telling you your request is ridiculous. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your partner . He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. LW, Ive been in your shoes, and youre ignoring how very NOT nice the boyfriend is being with all this. The best way to spark your boyfriend's interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life. I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. Its still manipulation. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. So pointing out that their inspirations and coaching actually make it worse probably wont make it through either. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. LW, whatever you chose to do today is enough. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! If he realizes how much fun his girlfriend is and misses the way she used to make him laugh all the time, hell come crawling back to you. , get on with your goals relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided figured out that inspirations! On one family, changed his name and got married again only logical course of action is taking that account. 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