They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. Ask him to take a walk, if possible (well-masked, staying away from others! Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this but dont give in. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. I Played a Card Game With My Fianc to See Who Does the Most Housework. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. Photo illustration by Slate. interface language. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Uh, No Thanks. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. He has a crushhis first one, I guess (or at least the first one hes told you about). I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. Not to use a popular buzz phrase, but your role in this is to provide psychological safety and reassure him that everything will be OK, because it will be. The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? In the meantime, when Daisy confides in you about her mothers awfulness, can you bring yourself to say, Im so sorry that happened. I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. by . Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and I was . I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. Uh, No Thanks. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! New ones are published almost daily. Every day that you take care of your family and love them and worry for them and get silly with them, youll be doing it, bit by bit. Of course your child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone! Dear Care and Feeding, Dear Care and. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. I know that sounds trite, but honestly what else can you tell them? Each day they do a different task with their word list. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. However, I still find it alarming. How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. Advice Column Collection. She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists offices because of it. And how do we support him as he struggles? I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. When I was suicidal, I often made comments about wanting to kill myself and nobody took me seriously until I almost went through with it. I think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you need and deserve. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. All rights reserved. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. So why doesnt that include getting help for his anger and behavioral issues? Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. ); if thats not possible, ask him not to disturb you when you are in a session. Of course it never really changed. Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. How do I get over this? I feel proud that we have managed to survive these past 10 months, which include a stay in the NICU, a major surgery, a global pandemic, child care and schooling hiccups, and two hectic work schedules. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! The collection features some of the most. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. Or dinosaurs. Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Photos by polkadot and denisik11/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Shes so lucky youre her daughter! Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's I think you do have to get back into therapy. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. Sign up for Slate Plus now. This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). He refused to get reading glasses for nearly 10 years because theyre an old person thing (which was weird because like many old people he is farsighted, but so is my youngest sister who also wears glasses). Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. Thank you in advance. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). For our sons second birthday, he got $200.) (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. 3 Beds. However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. It will be! Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. Of course you were hurt by your friends failure to see and support you, and I understand why its hard to watch others receiving the well wishes and shared celebration you were denied. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. They live. Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. Some days wont be so great, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. My daughter's friends tell me I look great I was about 17 at the time " I've been searching for my father my whole life and through 23a My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. Uh, No Thanks. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadnt gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadnt taken the second. Its anonymous! Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. My DIL angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and I told her what Ive just told you. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. I am currently 23. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. I Despise My In-Laws. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. Jamilah Lemieux and. That didnt work. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. There was a long pause and then she said shed have to think about it. Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. Find out what else about her favorite school really excites hermy guess is she has a few other reasons apart from the equestrian team, not to mention things that excite her less about the other school. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? I suppose I dont even know what my question is. (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments? I can say this honestly and without bias. Ive always been of the mind that regardless of whatever bad feelings there are between me and my ex, it is in our kids best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. ); some people have contact sporadically. I cant stand to read baby announcements. My husband and I don't dwell on this, in fact . Theres no percentage in arguing with them about it. Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. His reaction varies if his request is granted. Who knows? Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. My son went in with her and came out a few minutes later and told me I should go home. I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. My husband thinks itd be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives. I know how hard it is to parent with the unknown future stretching ahead of you, and only some of the answers and reassurances you might crave. Example: They are teaching students to do math a certain way, but he can do it in his head, so Whats the point of doing it like that if I can just do it and get the right answer my way? Same thing with spelling. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. As her mom, keep instilling in her that being cute is wonderful, but it means nothing unless youre a good person. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. Please advise. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. If you missed Fridays Care and Feeding column,read it here. Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Uh, No Thanks. I love them both very much! All English Franais. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! Your baby is HUGE! Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. She feels controlled and trapped. If he asks you to put on a pair of gloves, dont worry so much about being neutral. Just say I dont want to/need to put on gloves right now and go about your business. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! You should absolutely talk to your son. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. Let your husband and son spend time with them without you. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Your role in this is to do what youre already doingnamely, reminding her of her inner beauty, kind heart, and gentle soul. All rights reserved. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. (It pretty much always is. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. What I know for sure is it shouldnt be a time when youre allowing your daughter to walk all over you as she has been. They are adults. Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. Your baby is HUGE!. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Image Credit: James Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons. Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. Go find your husband and make sure hes sitting down with you while you read this. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. When will it end? She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out.
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